Roy G. Boring

29 Aug

Since it’s summer and I’ve been spending time enjoying the delights of the sun before it blows us all into oblivion with some type of grandiose and unexpected solar flare, I have not been enjoying the delights of living inside my own head for days on end, which is usually a prerequisite to creating anything worth reading. Or not, depending on your taste.

It would take too long to draw and/or write about these fun things I’ve been doing, not to mention that it would distract me from continuing to do those things, but on the other hand, I’d also like to remind myself how to be at least a little bit creative before my brain completely turns to mush. I’ve decided to meet myself half way, and describe some of the extremely boring things I’ve been doing in the recent past. To make it more palatable, I’ve employed everyone’s favorite medium, CRUDE ILLUSTRATION! To make it even MORE more palatable, I’ve drawn in rainbow colors, and arranged said drawings in the correct order. If you scroll quickly enough, maybe they will look like a real rainbow! I definitely advise scrolling quickly, since looking at such mundane pictures more closely might send you into a tailspin of vicarious ennui, which is French for “clinical boredom.” (Bright side: if good for nothing else, reading this has taught you a French word that you probably already knew.)

Red! This week, I ran out of toothpaste, but then I bought some more and used it in my mouth.

Image

Orange! A steady summer diet of sugary yogurt pops is the main reason you might mistake my enormous gut for an unborn child.

Image

Yellow! You can barely see this, but it’s the only picture of the six that portrays my natural summer hair color: neon yellow.

Image

Green! In the past three months, I have drunk at least my weight in iced coffee. It’s delicious AND it contributes to the increasingly beige hue of my teeth.

Image

Blue! You know what goes great with iced coffee and yogurt? Kale! If you are good at science, you will have figured out that the combination of these three things results in a terrible smell, which is intensified when all three are left inside of a human for say, the amount of time it might take to digest a day’s worth of food. You do the math. Or the science. It’s okay to mix metaphors, as long as mixing them doesn’t result in farts.

Image

Purple! Possibly because of my strange food choices, I’ve been doing a lot of cleaning lately. If you haven’t tried it, I highly recommend holding a gallon of bleach in each hand. Since it’s a powerful toxin, you’ll feel very imposing. It’s also heavy (a pint is a pound the world around), so you’ll be totally flexed out, and everyone will be all, “Yo, check out that sexy person over there with the flexy muscles and super clean house!” And that’s how two gallons of bleach turn you into a total babe magnet.

Image

Advertisements

Loudmouths Get Cut Out of Wills (or So I Hear)

14 May

Since I don’t play well with others, stand up comedy has been calling to me for the last 22 years. It took me a few years to get good at standing up, but after I got the hang of it, I was unstoppable.

Anyway, stand up requires very little actual skill to complete, if you take it at its most basic definition, but it is difficult to do well. It often falls to observational comedy, which requires little more than a cynical outlook and a mostly functioning brain. Obviously, this type of comedy is my bread and butter. More obviously, I am not super impressed by its merits as an art form. More on my deep and abiding self-loathing later.

Like most accidents, observations start in the home. How many restaurants are featuring acts tonight who are going to talk about their mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and other horrible childhood memories? Some may branch out and discuss their terrible love lives, but it’s all basically the same story, plus or minus some variations at bedtime.

So we come to the major obstacle keeping me from the mic: my comparatively negligible concern for the feelings of my family and friends, who, like most humans, are unintentionally hilarious. I’m pretty sure everybody in Los Angeles is anxiously awaiting their chance to hear about how my 60 year old father’s favorite movie is Mouse Hunt, and that my sister, who is [claims to be] a certified preschool teacher, once chased us—her three siblings entrusted to her care—around the house with a knife, merely for being “brats.”

major dilemma

If I act like a pompous loudmouth will you reward me with hugs?

They’re ripe for comedy, yet somehow I can’t reconcile exposing their humanity for my gain, even if I could be making upwards of three free drinks for each performance. The stakes are high, but is it really worth gambling the love of my family? I mean, Emily hasn’t chased me with a weapon in years, and she even let me hold her child for a few minutes this Christmas. That’s love, right? The possibility of losing that familial warmth makes this an undeniable dilemma.

For the moment, I’ll hold off on taking to the stage and continue hoping that the inanimate objects in my house will start threatening my life so I can exploit the experiences for free drinks.

Don Draper: Bridge to Delusion

16 Feb

I’ve met a few interesting people in my time, from renowned professors to imposing athletes to titans of industry to stars of stage and screen. I’ve pretty much held it together in all those situations. In some, even managed to incite mutual interest. Maybe the fact that I’m disinclined to become star struck is the very reason my reaction to Don Draper is so unsettling. I’m careful to say Don Draper instead of Jon Hamm because feeling this way about a person you don’t know is considered unusual, if not incredibly creepy.

Don Draper, despite many horrifying characteristics—including, but not limited to: dishonesty, dependency on cigarettes, interest in bony women, mistreatment of bony women (and others), and poor decision making skills—creates an emotional response in me which is unrivaled. When I found out that Mad Men is filmed in Los Angeles, I quickly connected the dots.

A. Mad Men is filmed somewhere in Los Angeles.

B. I live in Los Angeles.

C. Given A and B, there is some reasonable chance that I could encounter Don Draper in person.

Immediately, I became uneasy. I’ve been consuming popular culture as a religion since I gained access to television at the age of four, and have never before felt compelled to look up photos of a person to try to figure out which streets they favor for dog walks. Out of control. By the way, Don Draper has a German Shepherd mix.

Suffice to say, I would not hold it together in the very unlikely event that I encounter Don Draper and/or Jon Hamm. May I never realize that moment in which I simultaneously scream and vomit in front of them, losing every scrap of dignity I ever had. Thus, I become two women, one ceaselessly beating the other back, trying to keep her from finding and running across that bridge, deep into the tall, well-appointed, mid-century period appropriate office buildings of delusion.

Costume

3 Feb

On Wednesday, I put on my black turtleneck and black leggings, and haven’t taken them off since. Once I find my black beret, I’m in business.

I’m gunning for you, performance artists.

Not Even Interesting Enough to Mortify Me

28 Jan

From 2005 to 2009, I kept a blog on a website that has since fallen into disuse as a result of Mark Zuckerberg’s frightening ability to predict with extreme accuracy what people want to do on the internet. Hopefully you understand what I’m talking about, because I’m not going to tell you the name of the website, as a nod to the cryptic and withholding nature of the updates I posted on said website.

My age in 2005 was 18, and my age in 2009 was 22. My blog makes it seem like my ages in those years were 13 and 14, respectively. Without intending to do so, I created a nonlinear journal that varied in subject matter from updates on the health of my physical body to the decided unhealth of my nonphysical mind to bad poetry I wrote to lifted song lyrics to complete gibberish, the meaning of which even I cannot discern. Analyzed as a whole, it is apparent that I was suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder, which I am happy to know I have since overcome without ever being aware of the affliction. I’ve reprinted some highlights below for your enjoyment. You’ll be glad to find that I did not include the vast majority of posts that were made up entirely of song lyrics. I would write commentary for each, but I’m afraid if I do that, I’ll be thrown into a bottomless pit of despair in which I’m forever haunted by the idiocy and meaninglessness of my young adulthood.

Oh, and before we begin, a note about the style: Each of these posts is quite short, numbering below 40 words on average. I had (and still have) a very short attention span, and decided that in order to accomplish something as time consuming as blogging, I would have to keep posts short to maintain my interest. To make up for this fact, I wrote them in all caps, right aligned, 24 point purple type. To spare your eyes, I have reformatted them at 12 point font. To give you an inkling of how obnoxious they were in their original formatting, I have left them in all caps.

Jun 9, 2009

(elphie) at the orphie.

I LOVE WALKING UP TO CIVIC CENTER BART AND SEEING HAPPY TOURISTS WALKING DOWN 8TH FROM THE ORPHEUM WITH THEIR ‘WICKED’ BAGS AND T-SHIRTS AND PROGRAMS AND SMILES. I WILL BE SO SAD IF I EVER FIND OUT THAT ONE OF THOSE TOURISTS HAS MADE THE MISTAKE OF PARKING THEIR CAR BETWEEN MARKET AND MISSION ON 8TH DURING A WINDOW-BREAKING PARTY. I’M TELLING YOU NOW, JUNKIES: HEADS WILL ROLL. HEADS. WILL. ROLL.

Apr 7, 2009

(rap singer.) chain blinger.

TODAY I LEARNED THAT PITH HELMETS WERE ORIGINALLY LITERALLY MADE OUT OF PITH, WHICH IS THE WHITE PART OF CITRUS AND SOME OTHER FIBROUS PLANT STUFF. AMAZING, RIGHT? I ALSO CONFIRMED MY DISLIKE OF KURT VONNEGUT JR., AND DOUBLE CONFIRMED MY DISLIKE OF HIS FANS. FEELS GOOD TO BE JUDGMENTAL SOMETIMES. IN CLOSING, I ALWAYS ACT A FOOL OW OW; AIN’T NOTHING NEW NOW NOW.

May 8, 2008

what?

UGLY BETTY MAKES ME CRY.

Dec 2, 2007

(that’s) actually surprising.

WOW. ABORTION IS COMPLETELY ILLEGAL IN MEXICO, BRAZIL, IRELAND, AND EGYPT.

Nov 30, 2007

i have scratches (too.)

I DON’T LIKE BEING SICK.

Nov 18, 2007

(2 + 2 =) 5.

I JUST PULLED MY IPOD OUT OF THE WASHING MACHINE. WELL DONE, ME. AT LEAST IT’S CLEAN NOW, IF NOT FUNCTIONING.

Oct 28, 2007

school seems dull (now.)

THIS WEEKEND I WAS MORE THAN PLEASANTLY SURPRISED, ATE NUMEROUS TYPES OF DELICIOUS FOOD, CRAWLED AROUND NEXT TO A TREE FOR HOURS, PAINTED A BENCH, WAS A SUPERHERO, HELPED CARVE A ZOMBIE, CHOPPED MY THUMB, HAD MY BLOOD SUCKED BY THE SWEETEST VAMPIRE ON EARTH, GOT MY ANIME FIX, SNEEZED A LOT, SNIFFLED MORE, TOOK THE BEST NAP I’VE EVER HAD, AND GENERALLY HAD AN EXCELLENT TIME. I LIKED IT.
MORE, PLEASE.

Oct 23, 2007

hilarious.

I’M TYPING UP MY NOTES FOR MY MALPRACTICE PAPER AND ONCE AGAIN, I HAVE THE BEST NOTES EVER:

“legal innovation sometimes determines whether people are PIEs or unPIEs–e.g. in tobacco: affected unPIEs become PIEs after big cases are won for tobacco PIEs”

MMMM TOBACCO PIES.

Oct 14, 2007

lucas and excuses (almost rhyme.)

LUCAS MAKES PLANS WITH US AND THEN BREAKS THEM AT THE LAST MINUTE FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON. THAT’S GENTLEMAN-COW SHIT, THAT IS.

Oct 8, 2007

(i have a heart) in my brain.

IN THE TRAILER FOR ‘BERKELEY,’ SET IN 1968, TWO CHARACTERS SIT ON A BENCH NEXT TO THE CAMPANILE WHICH WAS A GIFT TO THE SCHOOL FROM THE CLASS OF 2002. I’M CALLING THE MOVIE POLICE.

Sep 18, 2007

you guessed it: (the architecture department.)

I’M SICK OF ARROGANT UC BERKELEY STUDENTS LIKE I’VE NEVER BEEN SICK BEFORE.

Sep 7, 2007

pho (is 12 hours late.)

HERE’S TO FUN SO FUN IT BREAKS YOUR CLOTHES.

Sep 6, 2007

overheard (at lake anza.)

“IS GINORMOUS REALLY A BAD WORD?”

I LOVE BABIES.

Aug 19, 2007

new paint (pants.)

WELP, I’M BACK IN BERKELEY. LET THE SPACKLING BEGIN. I FEEL SO MUCH POTENTIAL FLOWING THROUGH ME IT ALMOST HURTS.

Jun 21, 2007

my hair follicles (need a break.)

SO LIKE, GOOD NEWS EVERYONE: I’M NOT CONTAGIOUS AND WILL LIKELY OUTLIVE THIS RASH. WOOP WOOP.

Jun 12, 2007

about energy(, probably.)

THERE’S SOMETHING INTERESTING TO BE LEARNED FROM TODAY. I’M SURE OF IT.

May 24, 2007

stop (the presses.)

I DROVE.

May 22, 2007

(i didn’t need those) anyway.

I HAD THIS DREAM IN WHICH MY RIGHT THUMB AND RING FINGER BOTH FELL CLEAN OFF AT THE KNUCKLE FOR NO REASON. LUCAS WAS THE ONLY ONE IN THE CROWD OF ABOUT 12 WHO WAS RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO CALL THE AMBULANCE. THEN I PROCEEDED TO LOSE THE RING FINGER IN THE BUSHES OUTSIDE MY HOUSE. AND BEFORE ALL THAT HAPPENED THERE WERE A LOT OF EVEN MORE AWESOME THINGS. PLUS APPROXIMATELY ALL THE PEOPLE I KNOW (PLUS SOME I MADE UP) WERE IN IT. IT WAS TOTALLY SOCK ROCKING. NOW YOU KNOW.

May 16, 2007

emissions/(air exchange rate*volume)

LIFE LESSON #248:
USING HAIRSPRAY IS NOT THE SAME THING AS BEING CLEAN.

May 14, 2007

pulling muscles (for michelle.)

I’D LIKE TO KNOW WHO ELSE GETS THE MYSPACE SPECIALLY CATERED DEMOGRAPHIC ADS THAT SAY “GAY? TAKE THE QUIZ TO FIND OUT.” THEY’RE THE ONLY ONES I GET. HM.

MAYBE IT MEANS THERE’S A CHANCE I MIGHT BE STRAIGHT. I NEVER KNEW.

May 12, 2007

(b/c i can’t find any) acetone.

LET’S PAINT THE DEAD PARTS OF
OURSELVES AND CALL IT FUN
I’LL THROW DOWN AND BACK
AND MEET YOU OUTSIDE
SO WE CAN LINK ARMS CIRCULAR
AND DANCE TO THAT SONG THAT SAYS
REALLY FIVE HUNDRED TIMES
ACTING LIKE IT’S SAD ABOUT SOMETHING
BUT TELLING US IT’S JUST
A CUCUMBER DAY
SUCCULENT AND COOL
WAITING FOR US TO BITE

Apr 29, 2007

the life of the (party.)

THIS IS THE POODLE.

Apr 17, 2007

life (science.)

THIS IS AN ARTIST’S RENDERING OF THE SITUATION IN MY THROAT AT PRESENT. PLEASE SEND EMERGENCY SUPPLIES AND DONATIONS DIRECTLY TO MY SURVIVING KIN. ALL HOPE IS LOST.

Apr 13, 2007

hooray(, a virus!)

WOO, I DON’T HAVE MONO!
AGAIN.

Apr 12, 2007

(to pass the dull week)end.

FROM THE KEEPERS OF REAL, A TOAST TO INFINITY
for someone who doesn’t believe in anything

THIS IS THE HOW AND WHY OF GETTING THROUGH
DETERMINING WHETHER TO OR WITH
WILL FOLLOW THAT CLAUSE, AND THEN YOU
PREPOSITIONAL WAR THAT BURNS
LIKE A HIP-HOP SUNSET LOOKING FOR
REAL AMID REAL AMID TRUTH AMID REAL
SO WE CAN KEEP IT
EVEN THOUGH REAL IS HOT TO THE TOUCH
AND HAS SCARRED MORE SKIN THAN DREAMS
REAL IS WAS AND FOREVER SHALL BE: AN INVENTION
AND WEBSTER OXFORD FUNK AND WAGNALLS SAY
THAT INVENTION IS IMAGINED
BROADENING THE POET’S MIND TO INDUSTRY
PLACING YOUR NEXT CUP OF COFFEE, AIDS,
AND THE ZED GENERATION IN THE HANDS OF A DREAMER
AS IT ALWAYS WAS AND FOREVER SHALL BE
WAITING IT OUT AS WE CYCLE TO DEATH
AND WATCH OUR SILENT COLLEAGUES REINVENT THE EARTH
UNTIL THE THREADS OF THEIR SEX FORM OUR LIMBS AGAIN
TO PROVE THAT LIGHTING CAN STRIKE THE SAME PLACE TWICE

I WONDER WHAT LANGUAGE THEY’LL SPEAK.

04.11.07

Apr 5, 2007

(it does not) matter.

WHY’S IT GOTTA BE LIKE THAT?

Mar 29, 2007

vicious (animals.)

I JUST DROOLED EVERYWHERE LIKE A MOUNTAIN GOAT.

WHAT?

Mar 17, 2007

gum (disease.)

THINGS TO DO:
1) FIND A JOB FOR THE SUMMER, PREFERABLY AT HOME, AT A HIGH HOURLY RATE, AND AT AN APPROPRIATE LEVEL OF CHALLENGE AND INTEREST.
2) CONVINCE SCHOLARSHIP-GIVERS THAT THE MONEY IN MY BANK ACCOUNT DOES NOT ACTUALLY BELONG TO ME, AND I WILL HAVE TO BOTH USE ALL OF IT AND PAY IT BACK IN THE VERY NEAR FUTURE.
3) LEARN HOW TO DRIVE IN ORDER TO CONVEY MYSELF TO AND FROM THE JOB I DO NOT, AS OF YET, AND MAY NOT HAVE.
4) LEAD ALL PROJECT GROUPS INTO THE BRIGHT AND GLORIOUS LIGHT OF ‘GOOD WRITING’ AND ‘PUNCTUAL MEETING’ AND ‘ACCRUING EVIDENTIARY SUPPORT TO PROVE A PLAUSIBLE THESIS.’
5) WRITE MOST INTIMIDATING POLICY PAPER I’VE EVER ENCOUNTERED.
6) INVENT COLD FUSION.
8) SOLVE THE PROBLEMS OF RACISM AND INEQUALITY.
9) FIGURE OUT WHERE SEVEN WENT.
10) GET GOOD GRADES SO I CAN EVENTUALLY GO TO LAW SCHOOL OR SOMETHING, ON THE OFF-CHANCE THAT INVENTING COLD FUSION DOESN’T MAKE ME INCREDIBLY SUCCESSFUL.

Feb 23, 2007

again(, again.)

ONE (SMALL POTATOES) DOWN, ONE (OH JESUS CHRIST, WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN?) TO GO. I HAVE DECIDED I HAVE VERY BAD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. ONE DAY IT WILL GET ME. PERHAPS TOMORROW. OR TUESDAY. PROBABLY TUESDAY. BUT NOT TODAY. I’M SO EXCITED ABOUT THE EVENTS TO UNFOLD IN APPROXIMATELY TWELVE HOURS I COULDN’T CARE LESS. MANY A SMILE IS TO BE HAD. SEEPY NOW. I GOODNIGHT GNOME. GOOD MORNING.

Feb 13, 2007

hm. (i always skip this class.)

“READING THAT MAKES ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.”

Jan 23, 2007

(the state of the) union.

“AS WE GATHER TONIGHT, OUR NATION IS AT WAR, OUR ECONOMY IS IN RECESSION, AND THE CIVILIZED WORLD FACES UNPRECEDENTED DANGERS. YET THE STATE OF OUR UNION HAS NEVER BEEN STRONGER.”

I HOPE THAT WHEN I’M THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD THAT I, TOO, WILL GET TO THROW SUCH OBVIOUSLY FALSE AND SELF-CONTRADICTORY STATEMENTS INTO THE FACES OF A COMPLETELY DIVIDED NATION. OH, AND HOPEFULLY I’LL HAVE BUSH’S IMPRESSIVE APPROVAL RATINGS… MINE MAY GET AS HIGH AS 15%. HE TRULY IS A MAGNIFICENT POLITICAL ROLE MODEL AND I WHOLEHEARTEDLY REGRET HAVING HAD NO PART IN PUTTING HIM IN OFFICE. MAY MY LORD AND SAVIOR IN HIS RIGHTEOUS MERCY AND UNENDING JUSTICE FORGIVE ME FOR WHAT I HAVE DONE AND ACCEPT ME WITH THE GRACE UNTO WHICH I HAVE BEEN BORN AGAIN.

FUCK.

Dec 25, 2006

(fat,) jolly, etc.

I FINISHED WRAPPING ALL THE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS, OHEMGEE I AM SO SKILLED. ALSO, THAT CATALOGUE FOR OLD PEOPLE IS ACTUALLY JUST A FRONT FOR A TORTURE DEVICE MANUFACTURER. IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT, YOU REALLY WANT TO, AND SHOULD DEFINITELY ASK ME. HAPPY ARBITRARILY NAMED BIRTHDAY, MR. JESUS PHILOSOPHER. ALSO, IF YOU’RE CELEBRATING HANNUKAH RIGHT NOW, YOU SHOULD GIVE ME A CALL. GROW A BEARD FIRST, AND I’LL WISH YOU A VERY HAPPY HOLIDAY. HOORAY.

WWW.HARRIETCARTER.COM

Dec 4, 2006

backs (broken.)

WHERE IS THE CHARISMA OF THE PAST? WHERE HAS THIS EVOLUTION OF INTROSPECTION AND ALIENATION DUMPED THE SCARRED, LIFELESS BODY OF CULTURE? DID NOT OUR MOTHERS FOREWARN AGAINST LOSING ALLIGIANCES TO THE GREATNESS PRECEDING US–BEGGING US, PALMS UP, TO ABANDON NOT OUR MOST VIVID AND ENTRANCING MEMORIES? ‘INDELIBLE’ IS HENCEFORTH INAPPLICABLE.

Nov 21, 2006

(tm)i.

P.S. MY UTERUS HURTS LIKE FOR SERIOUS AND OUCH.

Nov 25, 2006

(invalids) use straws.

I’M VERY ILL IN THE AREAS OF MY NOSE AND THROAT. AND QUITE POSSIBLY MY EARS. PLEASE SEND HELP.

Nov 19, 2006

for (dames.)

I’VE REACHED THAT POINT WHERE I’M SICK OF EVERYONE I KNOW AGAIN. GUESS I SHOULD HAVE TRIED HARDER FOR THAT CHANGE OF SCENERY.

Oct 22, 2006

tapdancing (nuns.)

THE HILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUSIC. IF THIS VON TRAPP FAMILY HALLOWEEN GOES THROUGH I WILL BE AS HAPPY AS A LITTLE GIRL. A LITTLE GIRL NAMED GRETEL, TO BE EXACT.

Oct 18, 2006

(it can’t) compare.

WHEN I RUN I CAN FEEL THE WIND WHIP THROUGH THE HAIRS ON MY LEGS. I’M MY FAVORITE DIRTY HIPPIE.

Oct 15, 2006

two (of three).

P.S. RECESS ADJOURNED. ALL RISE.

Oct 15, 2006

(mrs.) tired; call me so.

AS A RESULT OF THE PAST FEW DAYS, I’VE DECIDED THAT IT’S TIME FOR ME TO REMEMBER THAT GETTING THERE IS HALF THE FUN. EVEN WHEN IT’S NOT FUN.

Oct 11, 2006

i would like to tell you something very important using only legal jargon.

THE CAUSALITY OF THE FIRST PARTY’S DISPLEASURE IS INDETERMINATE. GIVEN PAST TESTIMONY, PERHAPS THE FIRST PARTY SHOULD RECONSIDER HER AFFILIATIONS WITH BOTH THE EDUCATIONAL INSTITUTION AND THE SECOND PARTY, GIVEN THE ADVERSE AFFECTS OF BOTH ON THE FIRST PARTY’S QUALITY OF LIFE. RECESS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

Aug 15, 2006

water, (water everywhere…)

SOMETIMES ALL I WANT IS SOMEONE TO BE THE ICING ON MY CAKE, BUT I FEEL LIKE I’VE LOST MY CAKE.

Aug 5, 2006

(formatting) crisis.

TODAY I AM HAPPY BECAUSE TOMORROW BACKPACKY TIME STARTS. TODAY I AM WORRIED BECAUSE I HAVEN’T HEARD THE RESULTS YET. TODAY I AM SAD BECAUSE MY FEET SMELL LIKE I’VE BEEN WEARING LOAFERS WITHOUT SOCKS… BECAUSE I’VE BEEN WEARING LOAFERS WITHOUT SOCKS. TODAY I AM HAPPY BECAUSE I AM DONE WORKING. TODAY I AM SAD BECAUSE I MISS EVERYONE I LOVE. TODAY I AM HAPPY BECAUSE EMILY HASN’T ANNOYED ME YET. TODAY I AM SAD BECAUSE I HAVEN’T PUT ON MY GO-GO BOOTS YET. TODAY I AM HAPPY BECAUSE I SAW THE OK GO TREADMILL VIDEO AND LAUGHED. TODAY I AM HAPPY BECAUSE ALL THE DUCKS ARE SWIMMING IN THE WATER AND I DECIDED TO STOP PRETENDING I DIDN’T BREAK YOUR HEART. TODAY I AM HAPPY BECAUSE MY PANTS ARE COMFORTABLE. TODAY I AM HAPPY BECAUSE MY MOM HAS FUNNY PANTS AND MAKES ME LAUGH. TODAY I AM HAPPY BECAUSE V FOR VENDETTA IS AN EXCELLENT FILM. TODAY I AM HAPPY BECAUSE I THINK I’VE MADE GOOD DECISIONS. TODAY I AM HAPPY BECAUSE I DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU. TODAY I AM HAPPY BECAUSE I ATE A DEAD GOPHER AND BLAMED THE SMELL ON GHOSTS. TODAY I AM HAPPY BECAUSE I AM PROCRASTINATING AND IT DOESN’T MATTER. TODAY I AM HAPPY BECAUSE AMERICA IS PROSPEROUS ENOUGH TO SUPPORT SUCH TERRIBLE FILMS AS THE SEQUEL TO BRUCE ALMIGHTY. TODAY I AM HAPPY BECAUSE I CAN WRITE THIS AND NOT CARE ABOUT ANYONE READING IT. TODAY I AM HAPPY BECAUSE THERE IS A JINGLE ABOUT CUSTOM CLOSETS TO WHICH I COULD THROW A SOCK-HOP. TODAY I AM HAPPY BECAUSE EMILY HASN’T ENDED A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSITION. TODAY I AM HAPPY BECAUSE MY FRIENDS ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHOSE KINDNESS IS ONLY MATCHED BY THEIR STRENGTH. TODAY I AM HAPPY BECAUSE THIS LIST PROVES IT STATISTICALLY.

TODAY I AM HAPPY BECAUSE I AM.

Jul 13, 2006

question.

DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY CLICK THOSE ADS WHERE YOU’RE COMPETING AGAINST SOMETHING TO WIN USELESS CRAP? WHO’S THAT CONCERNED ABOUT WASHING CARS FASTER THAN BLONDES? WHO WANTS THAT GIANT GOLD BAR? OR FIVE SEASON PASSES TO SIX FLAGS AND FOURTEEN IPODS?

Jul 11, 2006

hum diddle.

HUM DIDDLE.

Jan 31, 2006

yob.

I GOT A JOB. NOW I CAN CONDUCT MY LOVE AFFAIR WITH BOOKS IN PUBLIC. I THINK THIS IS MAKING ME PEE.

Dec 3, 2005

torchy.

YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU HAVE A HUGE AMOUNT OF THINGS TO DO, YOU DON’T WANT TO DO ANY OF THEM? I HAVE THAT.

Aug 24, 2005

sean.

I INVENTED YOU, POLACK.

Aug 20, 2005

remember?

I WANTED TO EAT THAT PITA BREAD BEFORE IT TURNED INTO VAGINAS.

Aug 20, 2005

update.

I AM MOVING BACK TO BERKELEY TOMORROW MORNING AT FOUR. I AM IN EVERYONE COOL’S DEFAULT MYSPACE PICTURE. I AM LISTENING TO POPULAR MODERN ROCK BANDS. I AM BETTER AT LIFE THAN EVERY LUCKY BOYS CONFUSION FAN ON THE PLANET. I AM ON SALE FOR HELLO.

Aug 19, 2005

ringing.

I HAVE TUCKED MY T-SHIRT INTO MY UNDERPANTS AND NOW I AM GLORIOUSLY WARM.

I MISS MADDY.

Jul 14, 2006

chitty.

i smell children

Jul 6, 2005

14 years.

DID I TELL YOU I’M FROM MINNESOTA? WHERE’S MY SCOTCH?

Jul 5, 2005

right.

EVERYTHING
EVERYTHING
EVERYTHING
EVERYTHING
IN ITS RIGHT PLACE
IN ITS RIGHT PLACE
IN ITS RIGHT PLACE
IN ITS RIGHT PLACE

Jun 29, 2005

euromotion?

MY LEGS AH TIAHD BUT I CAHN’T STOP DAHNCING.

Jun 26, 2005

woo.

I HAVE THE HOUSE TO MYSELF. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO. I AM GIDDY WITH POWER.

Jun 20, 2005

heh.

I JUST GAVE UP THE MENIAL JOB THAT I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE. HA.

Now all that’s left to do is prepare myself to embrace the double dose of regret I will feel four years from now when I see both the new content I wrote in this blog and the dredged-up content from the old blog, to which I have just given myself much easier access. Despite the fact that I have revisited past writings many times before, to my great personal embarrassment, I continue to do it. If nothing else, at least I am establishing a routine, which has been an annual New Year’s resolution for almost a decade. Until now, I thought I wasn’t accomplishing it at all. Small victories.

I’m Not Having Kids

26 Jan

What can a person do if not make bold statements that they may one day contradict?

Small Books

19 Jan

It’s easy enough to type words, and just a little bit harder to string them into sentences, so why should it be so hard to write a book? Don’t say anything, because that logic is flawless.

Recently, I met my nephew, who is an infant. You don’t need to know that for the story, but it makes him look better, considering the following information. He had a book that not only contained pictures, but also conspicuously lacked words. This reminded me that sometimes, books that have words also have pictures. Brilliant.

Thus was born my plan to make children’s books my stepping stone to real books. Ignoring the fact that I’m probably a little bit better at writing for children (who almost never set their expectations for literature very high), I am pretty sure that I might write a book that does not contain pictures, and is aimed at an adult audience, before I die. You could even call it a goal, although I think you have to show some evidence of trying to reach something if it is considered one of your goals. But I digress.

Long story short, I wrote a children’s book. It’s about my terrible childhood relationship with my sister which has blossomed into a passable mutual tolerance in adulthood. It rhymes. It uses the phrase “there was no need for biting.” It made every woman in my extended family cry tears of joy and nostalgia.

I am to children’s books as Bill Nye is to VHS tapes about tectonic plates. I’m going to make a million dollars, and it only cost me 500 words.

Get excited, because once it’s published, you’re going to be crying, too.

Hollywood Swinging

1 Dec

Last night, Wicked opened at the Pantages on Hollywood. As it would happen, that very show at that very theater was my very first experience of a real Broadway show in a real theater for real money, and I couldn’t help but feel nostalgic. And jealous, of course. (I’m still holding out for box seats to this run as an unnecessarily extravagant Christmas present.) Alan and I walked by just as the lobby lights were rising and falling for the final seating call, and the ushers were herding the stragglers into the doors. Ten steps later, a hurried papa race-walked by us with a little girl in white patent leather shoes and a filly dress smiling in his arms. I hope they made it.

Sometimes I really love living in a bustling cultural hub disguised as a dirty, dangerous tourist trap hellhole.

Mercenary Blogger

20 Oct

Lately I’ve been blogging for my company’s website. Every Tuesday, I sit down and frantically write 300 words meant outwardly to show everyone how cool we are, and subliminally to influence all who read it to use us exclusively for all of their printed product needs. Since I’m so fucking amazing, the results are always great. Topics have included:

  • “Why I Don’t Have a Cat” (a look into the fact that I’m scared of my almost inevitable slide into catladyhood)
  • “You’ll Laugh about This Someday” (rehash of how much I love “Mortified” and everything about storytelling in general)
  • “Stick Bombs? Yes Please” (a video about a stick bomb that you should also watch, introduced by very little text from me)
  • “The 90’s: They’ll Be Back” (homage to the exasperated/carefree saying that so plagued that glorious yesteryear, “It’s the 90’s”)
  • “Better Marketing is Better for Everyone: Even Dogs” (pimping this lady who does awesome portraits of dogs in shelters to make them more appealing and increase adoptions—spoiler alert: she’s super successful)
  • “Classics Are Classic, Even When Poorly Renamed” (look into hilarious interoffice memo from 1980’s Disney, which renames their entire back catalog at that time)
  • “Pageant of the [Underrated] Masters” (pimping my artist friends and reminding people that making custom shirts is an opportunity to have some wearable art—and we’re the best at it)
  • “The Trifling Regrets of My Old Age” (heart wrenching—read: actually not that sad—story about how I lost a t-shirt one time, and it ruined my life)

As you can see, I’ve been blogging every week for months, but only because someone is paying me to do it. And how many times have I blogged here in that time? Once.

So begins my quest for payment. Once I start getting real paid, I’ll write all the time. Right? Seems like I’ve solved the chicken and egg problem here. Now to solve the problem of getting paid to write stupid stories about myself.

Bunny

8 Oct

It’s rare that a film of any length, let alone a 30 second video clip, can  encapsulate one’s entire life, but this one manages to do the trick pretty well. For me, at least. I always knew Animal and I were on the same page.